citylipstick

I want to be beautiful

oo iv drank so much coffee, the taste but love the effect :)
just had a total breakdown to myself
i wish id never been sent to that clinic i miss my ribs, hip & colar bones :(

so i just watched the butterfly effect and i think i may start keeping a journal, i have tryed to keep diarys in the past but i always give up on them and yes i do like blogging but there is times when i cannot access a computer.
I don't know, I guess I just want something private too that I can document what is going on in my life and head.

But it is amazing how the slightest thing can effect your entire universe, simple unsignificant decisions can have such a ripple effect on everything around you.
Example: right now I have chosen to blog and am watching a show on TV, had I decided not to watch the show and clear out my bedroom then how would it have affected my day? would I be an hour ahead of schedual? would I have just taken twice as long and how will it effect the rest of my day?, will I be finished by the time my parents return from work?, what will their recation be to my progress?
simple unimportant things but what will the be the over lap to tomorrow ect ect ect.

Deep thinking.

so im back and huge
clinics are aweful and now i have gained weight obviously
I just saw a picture of myself from the start of april, and my god, I wish I was that tiny again
you could see every one of my ribs, now you lucky to see a few
god  hate being this size
i feel uncomfortable in myself, im tired all the time and everyones like oh your looking well
ARGH!!!
FAT  in other words im flinch and feel sick and want to cry evry time someone says that
I need to loose all this weight again before I break down i mean its summer and I cannot go to the beach becaus eIm a fat shit!

Vampire boys back.

i've not seen him but he's been messaging me, nothing major just asking how i have been and catching up.
No real specifics though
nothing about relationships although I did notice his status is back to 'single'
so I don't know if he's just looking for a 'booty call'.
I hope not, I don't want to get back into the state I was before,
staying in, watching the phone, crying myself to sleep.

Im far to emotional these days, letting people get in my head.
I need to stop it, be stong like I used to be.

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: frustrated

so with the break in i had Iv been living with my friend for the last few days
he is the best friend i have
we bonded thro our love of make up and boys, yes he is gay
so iv been sleeping in the same bed as him and we always cuddel up with each other
but i dont know something happened
we started kissing but like proper passionatly
but then just stopped and we went to sleep
but now its all i can think about and i want to do it again
I dont know i feel like im falling for him
i hope not though i mean hes my best friend and Gay!
but why was he kissing me like that?
gah i dono im so confused right now!

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: cute is what we aim for- curse of curves

so right now
I think my body looks amazing!
I caught a glimps of myself in the mirror and I can honestly say I am happy wit myself at this size
last week everyone was complimenting me saying how good/ amazing/ skinny I looked
I swear I don't know how many people told me how jeliouse they were of my figure
there is one or two wee nips & tucks still but they will go if I maintain this diet and start an exercise plan (because right now the most exercise im getting is walking to and from college)
the nips and tucks being tonne up my arms(mainly), thighs, ass & loose at least another 2 inches from my hips/ waist
current- hips:33 waist:24
like to keep my boobs the same size though
mostly beause I want to keep that hour glass shape when I wear a corset 
I'm wanting to one day get my waist down to 16 inches when corseted, need to save up for a decent corset first though

As for the exercise
I know it will be easy once I get back into it, so Il be back home next week where I will have acess to an exercise bike so if I do at least 1hr a day next week that should get me started & motivated to keep up my own regime here & i do have weights that i can use for my arms

that along with a healthy diet could get me on the road to recovery and I can get on with my life
be able to put all my attention and energy on things other than my weight and food
I look forward to the day that I can order a great big pizza with friends, have ice cream & chocolate for desert, go out drinking and get a chippy on the way home and be happy!

Don't get me wrong I'd never want that to be a regular thing, I genuinly prefer healthy stuff to junk foods
Im more inclined to have an apple than a chocolate bar
I just would like to be able to have those rare treats and not hate myself for it,
plus you appreciate things more if you have them less often

I really do want to recover from this, I've had friends in simmilar situations ranging from some who managed to recover succesfully on their own to others who became much much worse, as in being admitted to ED clinics & put on suicide watch.

I do believe that I need to work out when it truely started though, I can account for at least 5/6 years of having an issue with food but i cannot be 100% of sure when it truly began.

a brief time life of my life

primary school- was extreamly sporty (dance,b-ball, football, track) high school- 1st year: (weighed 5/6stone) gym teacher talking about how girls want to tone up round about 4th year to impress guys, me thinking im already fit dont need to listen to this, 2nd year: basically gave up on sports because school couldnt fund the trainers & got in with a bad crowd (in eating termsas well as general antics) we very much lived out of the kebab & chip shop & nights filled with as much chocolate & junk we could fit in causing me to gain drastic amounts(became13.5stone HW) very quickly switched and dropped 4stone, this was assisted by competition with my best friend who was bulimic. 5thyear: tried recovery as a promise to my friend who was admitted, failed after a few months & have been up and down since

I really want to get better I think I need the sports to keep me grounded
I just hate having to avoid social situations & lying to everyone
especially my mum, that makes me feel the worst of all.
like I have failed her, she is so proud of me and loves me more than anything in this entier existance! she created me, if not for her i would not be here & i know she knows, we just dont talk about it beause it always leads to a huge argument which i hate
Its not fair on her to see her only daughter, the spitting image of herself, willingly inflict so much pain & distruction appon myself


I do hope this is a proper turning point, & iwant to remember what really did it
my boyfriend said to me not eating isnt good coz your body just goes into starvation mode so when you do eat it will just store everyting as fat!

a fact which i knew but to have someone else say it to me just really made me think
so the last week i have been eating, but only celery, lettus & apples all neg calories and no fat
so that my body can get used to food and not gain weight

but i shall be thinking hard as to when i first hated my body and triggered this
wish me luck I have hopes dreams and goals which I shall achive! but I need to leave this behind so that my concentration can go on them.
I think I look much more bony here but im happy like this

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: sick

I have insomnia & have had it for almost a year now but over the last few weeks iv been alot better
untill last night where I was lucky if i was down half an hour when i woke up in hysterics
I was convinced that someone was in my flat trying to kill me
it resulted in me curled up in a ball in my bed crying my eyes out!
I couldn't get back to sleep after so I just sat listening to the radio untill i got myself togeather & went for a 4hour walk get some excercise & clear my head
I really dont know why im suddenly having these nightmares again
hopefully I can sleep tonight

so i have been left with the job of planning all the family meals for a week when I return at easter
since everybody loves my cooking and most of the family will be there
now i obviously there will be alot of chocolate so im thinking that il make rice krispie cakes with them, give them to the kids & nieghbours, easy way to get rid of the chocolate given to me

& I shall have to eat alot & alot of junk food infront of everyone plus most of them have given up stuff for lent and will be wanting to eat that
so im going to have make everything as low fat/cal as i can get away with
but as far as the requests go it seems i shall be making either a large pizza and chips or some mac & cheese dish - italian/american theme
oh joy
but rest of the week is my call so veg sushi, couscous with roast veg & soups

I'm freaking out a bit here but part of me is wanting to recover again so this could be a good start

i know that if i regain the motivation to exercise more then i would be able to slowly increase my food intake
i just cant bear this anymore, its too much for me to handle
but at the same time i am 10lbs away from being classed as underweight
im appalled at myself for wanting to reach that as a goal
I see the distruction i inflict upon myself and I know its wrong but its keeping me incontrol of something
il look in the mirror and think wow i look amazing! or I look like shit!  Im so fat! or I look like a skeleton

I really don't know anymore, I've struggled with this for years, I need to figure out when it started, if I can do than then maby I can try and recover again but this time succeed

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: No Doubt- bathwater

I had this dream last night where I kept loosing my keys, there was a big party going on at my house, i stayed in the kitchen for most of it, only venturing out into the hall to follow my cat &  she eventually showed me all these little kittens in one room & i got so panic'ed because people were almost stepping on them

well apparently kittens in dreams represent small troubles & worried & should be killed but yeah anyway just had the full thing decoded & it basically breaks down like this

Im over stressed & worried that I am not able to complete a task, im under nurished, am very sexually aware & passionate but could lead to deceit (cheating) & that I need to go out more & have more fun.

I'd say that was pretty accurate for me right now.

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: content

had my fitting/weigh in/ audition thing today
& thank fuck they want me
i was terrified that i was too big
but they are actually having to take the waist in more for the garments to fit me XD XD

unfortunatly my friends way of celebrating is going out for a huge meal & drinks after
so not looking forward to that one little bit =/
i guess if i am going to eat it best be now, weeks before the actual show
plus i have to attend a function next tuesday where there will be more model scouts
so if i eat tonight and then i dono fast or just eat fruit for the next week then il be ok
...
jesus im starting to feel like one of these wannarexics ¬_¬
strange i feel like shit when i eat & feel obese all the time  & everyone is like no your too skinny, eat  a pie ffs!
but now im moving into a circle where everone else is telling me to be smaller & eat less & the stress of its almost making me want to eat more
  totaly fucking with my head right now =(

oh well i better go get ready for tonight, try and enjoy myself, i wont even have a choice after this

eeeeeee im going to be a model!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
(ok jumping the gun but idc im happy =D)

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: If you can afford me - katy perry

Well I just had to find out through fucking facebook
that Vampire boy has a girlfriend!
fucking bastard
he fucks with my head & my heart, makes me love him & im just left alone
i bet he lied to me about the tattoo too
I mean i know iv seen other guys but oh god I dont know I just want to break down
my heart hurts so much, this is not fair
I feel so rejected so used so ugly
i dont let anyone in to close because tis happens
i get hurt!
they seem me as a trophy a prize
like its an achivement to get near me then ditch me
fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this
I wish id never met him for him to do this to me
i want him to know my pain, I want him to want me so much that he cant stand it!
I wish he felt for me what i feel for him

there is another guy that i quite like, & i think its because he wants me for me not what i look like & he respects me & im happy with him, he makes me forget about Vampire boy, I dont feel the same intensity as I do with him but I need to be happy dont i?
God im so fucked up in the head right now
I want to be happy i dont want this pain!

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: sick

my mind is all over the place
im so far behind in my studies, got everything in front of me but i cannot find a pencil! Typical
but I need to make plans for tomorrow
I cannot decide if i want to go out for drinks and dancing with some of the people from work or meet up with aiden, which will most likly end up in sex.
I really don't know what to do I know in my head i really should go out with my workmates
but at the same time I want to stay in, have a relaxing night with a friend, because even if nothing sexualy related happens, he will help me with my uni stuff and will listen to my problems, seeing as he knows about most of them
ugh i just dont know anymore

Current Mood: unsure

[    ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[ x ] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ x  ] I have many scars.
[   ] I tan easily.
[   ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ x ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[    ] I have a tattoo. 
[ x ] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ x ] I had braces.
[   ] I wear glasses.
[ x  ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[ x ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[   ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[   ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ x ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x ] I've sworn at my parents.
[  ] I've run away from home.
[   ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[  ] My biological parents are together.
[   ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ x ] I want to have kids someday.
[   ] I've had children.
[   ] I've lost a child.

EMBARASSMENT
[   ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ x ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x ] I've peed from laughing.
[ x ] I've snorted while laughing.
[  x ] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ x ] I've glued my hand to something
[   ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[   ] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ x ] I'm single
[   ] I'm in a relationship.
[   ] I'm engaged.
[   ] I'm married.
[  ] I've gone on a blind date.
[  ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ x ] I miss someone right now.
[ x ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[   ] I've gotten divorced
[ x ] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. (WHO HASN'T?)
[  x ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[  x ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ x ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[  x ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ x ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[ x ] I am a cuddler.
[ x ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ x  ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ x ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[ x ] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[ x ] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[   ] I've snuck out of my house.
[ x ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ x ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ x ] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ x ] I've cheated on a test.
[   ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[ x ] I've consumed alcohol.
[ x ] I regularly drink.
[   ] I can't swallow pills.
[ x ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[   ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ x ] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[    ] I take anti-depressants
[ x ] I *have* anorexic or bulimic *tendencies* or have EDNOS*tendencies*.
[  x ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ x ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ x  ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[  x ] I've woken up crying

So been a bit all over the place lately, I attempted recovery and was doing well untill I returned to my home where I basically freaked out and am disgusted that I allowed myself to gain weight.
and my heads been a bit messed up with not seeing vampire boy in so long
but I must say something quite odd happened last night
One of my mates who I do fancy quite a bit, but he is gay so I never talk about it or act on it
but yeah last night we were all out and he had a date with him and they were all over each other and such but then when his date went to the bathrooms he turned to me and said 'Iv never properly kissed you, have I?'
'erm no I dont believe you have' I replied

he then stroked my cheek, slowly pulled me in towards him and kissed me softly on the lips, I then pulled back and looked into his eyes &  he to mine. He then kissed me again & again becoming more passionate each time
ofcorse he stopped before his date returned & went back to being the flamboyant gay guy Iv known him to be
but after that anytime his date was out of sight he would kiss me, or just hug me if our friends were around or hold my hand or just gently touch me, down my back, my arm, leg, neck just any chance he could have contact he took it.

Ofcorse he went  back home with the boy he was on a date with but it left me a little (very) confused
I cant understand why he was doing it, when I got home I just lay in my bed alone imagining what I would be like if he came home with me, had he been with a girl before? would he know what to do? why the sudden hetero-sexual tendencies towards me, plus I was a little jealouse of the boy who was sharing a bed with him tonight.
well we are all going out again on wed so we will see if it was just a one off or not... Im kind of hoping its the latter

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Fall out boy- sugar we're going down

Well Vampire biy couldnt make it up to see me, thanks to his work =/

but he called me with the biggest apologie and shocking statement yet
'by the way, I wanted to see you to show you what I'v done...'
'why what have you done?'
'You know that drawing you did for me ages ago?'
'um yeah why?'
'Its on my back'
'huh? what?'
'I got it tattooed on me'
'OMG!! are you joking?!?! why?'
'well I know I end up letting you down alot with not living close anymore & I know that that design is like you! and I just wanted to have part of you with me, plus it means that if I ever compleatly screw up and become a total dickhead then i'l be stuck with a constant reminder of what I lost, so you can be happy with that...?'
'I...I dont know what to say'
'are you mad i got it done?'
'no, I cant cant believe it'

Im still to see it, but i cant believe he'd do something like that for me
& he's right the design for me is like a graffitt artists tag, everyone knows it and associates it with that one person

I really dont know what to think... I just want to see him again, so badly, see this tat

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: bowling for soup - almost

Omg Vampire boy might be coming to see me tonight
its not guarentee that he'l even be back here tongiht but there is a chance omg
im so excited
I want to work out & i have no desire to eat at all
ahhhh i really hope he can make it XDXDXD

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: hyper

So Im a pig, yes.
for some reason i just want to eat eat and eat
I need to get back to how I was, going 8 days without a desire to eat, I dont know it just seems to be if its there I want to eat it,
theres ready made meals in my freezer that I want to defrost even though I have to go out for a meal and drinking
I need to understand again that i can't actually afford to eat right now
I'm just being greedy, thats the thing with living in a studio, no walls to hid certain things.

I dont know if I want to excersize or just go back to sleep
wish I had a bag of rainbowdrops, just puffed air XD

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: fat

I was talking to Vampire boy last night over msn and I was a little bit upset about having no plans and that everyone keeps cancelling on me, he was just how he used to be nice and affectionate to me and he apologized for not seeing me lately, him and his family have been really ill and he's not been able to travelle down, lus when he vists he has to sneak in to my building since he is actually banned from entering it.
I feel alot better now that I'v heard from him, I couldn't bear not hearing from him,
My friends are saying im like a love sick puppy, compleatly twitterpated haha.
I ended up with plan to go to the cinema with a friend so it was all good

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: calm