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Apr. 12th, 2012 10:26 pm how did I get myself into this?

Whilst with my now ex I met some of his friends, amongst which was a couple who I have become very close with.
I consider them both very close friends verging on best.
I recently got rather intimate with the guy. 2nd base at a party while the girl was asleep downstairs. Now I may add, not that it's an excuses. We were both horrifically drunk. Though we did know what we were doing.
I know that when previously being drunk him & I have shared a peck on the lips & perhaps the odd bum grab but nothing more that that what I thought was just drunken silliness.
Same as when on New Years the girl & I were out together & we ended up making out for a good part of the night. Again drunken silliness.

The problem is, after we had stopped and had our own little freak out over what had just happened & swore never to speak of it again, that it never happened.
He told me he loved me & I could tell. He meant it.
I, reluctantly said it back.
I've never said it to anyone before but part of me meant it.

(here's where it gets even more complicated)

I think I do love him, I want to be with him. I want him in my life.
But I also want his girlfriend.
I love kissing her, I love holding her. I want her to be mine...

I also know that she can, when drunk sometimes suggest 3somes with close friends.

Yes it has came down to that. I am praying that I can get her drunk enough to suggest a 3some with me & her boyfriend. Thats the ideal situation.
Though I'd honestly prefer to be alone with each one separately

Ahh its fucked up.

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Apr. 11th, 2012 11:55 pm I cant stop crying

My life is falling apart
Things were really looking up
I had acting & modelling jobs lined up & each one of them have been cancelled
& I'm in love with my best friends boyfriend

& spotanious music from some randoms tumblr page has just put a huge smile on my face
with memories

it's not all bad, just breath, stop eating & work harder
& I'll be ready for it all.

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Mar. 31st, 2012 10:58 am food/exercise diary

1 apple
1 small plum
1 coffee (black)
2 slices of wheat free bread with soy butter & jam
steamed veg
tomato & hummus

50 crushes
50 bicycles
50 V sits

& moving furniture today so effectively will be some dead lifts

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Mar. 23rd, 2010 08:01 pm

all new supersize vs super skinny on channle 4! YEY!! XD XD

okish day although I did feel like I was going to collapse dew to lack of sleep

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Jul. 27th, 2009 07:51 pm

I want to be beautiful

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Jul. 27th, 2009 03:22 pm

oo iv drank so much coffee, the taste but love the effect :)
just had a total breakdown to myself
i wish id never been sent to that clinic i miss my ribs, hip & colar bones :(

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Jul. 27th, 2009 12:12 pm butterfly effect

so i just watched the butterfly effect and i think i may start keeping a journal, i have tryed to keep diarys in the past but i always give up on them and yes i do like blogging but there is times when i cannot access a computer.
I don't know, I guess I just want something private too that I can document what is going on in my life and head.

But it is amazing how the slightest thing can effect your entire universe, simple unsignificant decisions can have such a ripple effect on everything around you.
Example: right now I have chosen to blog and am watching a show on TV, had I decided not to watch the show and clear out my bedroom then how would it have affected my day? would I be an hour ahead of schedual? would I have just taken twice as long and how will it effect the rest of my day?, will I be finished by the time my parents return from work?, what will their recation be to my progress?
simple unimportant things but what will the be the over lap to tomorrow ect ect ect.

Deep thinking.

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Jul. 27th, 2009 01:48 am back and not happy

so im back and huge
clinics are aweful and now i have gained weight obviously
I just saw a picture of myself from the start of april, and my god, I wish I was that tiny again
you could see every one of my ribs, now you lucky to see a few
god  hate being this size
i feel uncomfortable in myself, im tired all the time and everyones like oh your looking well
FAT  in other words im flinch and feel sick and want to cry evry time someone says that
I need to loose all this weight again before I break down i mean its summer and I cannot go to the beach becaus eIm a fat shit!

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Apr. 28th, 2009 06:38 pm Please dont play with my heart

Vampire boys back.

i've not seen him but he's been messaging me, nothing major just asking how i have been and catching up.
No real specifics though
nothing about relationships although I did notice his status is back to 'single'
so I don't know if he's just looking for a 'booty call'.
I hope not, I don't want to get back into the state I was before,
staying in, watching the phone, crying myself to sleep.

Im far to emotional these days, letting people get in my head.
I need to stop it, be stong like I used to be.

Current Location: the city
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

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Apr. 27th, 2009 06:39 pm gay, love?

so with the break in i had Iv been living with my friend for the last few days
he is the best friend i have
we bonded thro our love of make up and boys, yes he is gay
so iv been sleeping in the same bed as him and we always cuddel up with each other
but i dont know something happened
we started kissing but like proper passionatly
but then just stopped and we went to sleep
but now its all i can think about and i want to do it again
I dont know i feel like im falling for him
i hope not though i mean hes my best friend and Gay!
but why was he kissing me like that?
gah i dono im so confused right now!

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: cute is what we aim for- curse of curves

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